Find Your Missing Peace

by Leah McClellan

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Find your missing peaceThis we have now is not imagination. This is not grief or joy. Not a judging state, or an elation, or sadness. Those come and go. This is the presence that doesn’t. ~Rumi

An excerpt from Find Your Missing Peace: A Practical Guide:

Stop being nice and get real

Acting nice about something when you’re hurt and screaming angry inside doesn’t do anyone any good. And it rarely works out in a peaceful way, besides.

“Being nice”—instead of honest, genuine, and real—because you were taught to hide your true feelings just doesn’t work in the long run. I don’t mean that anyone should be nasty, mean, or rude. And by “nice” I mean superficially polite to hide our feelings, our true needs, our honest thoughts, and ourselves.

If we “get real” it doesn’t mean we need to spill our guts all over the place, say whatever we want to in any way we like, and hurt others in the process.

Getting real means that, instead of saying “Yes, dear” to something our beloved asks us to do—and then conveniently forgetting to do it—we discuss household responsibilities and negotiate for change because we really don’t like doing the task we were asked or expected to do.

Getting real means if we want to spend some time with someone, we ask directly instead of beating around the bush or sending quick little emails and text messages while hoping they’ll do the asking or that it will grow, somehow, into something more.

If we like a certain woman (or man) and want to ask her out, we don’t just hope to catch her eye at parties, make compliments about her looks, or post flirty remarks on her Facebook page and hope that something, eventually, will “happen” in person.

If we’re angry and upset about something, we acknowledge our feelings, share them, and ask for what we need. We don’t have to tell the other person what’s “wrong” with him or her or lash out and punish someone when we’re being real with ourselves; we just stick to our own needs, the facts, and our own realities.

Speak your mind. Voice your opinion. Don’t be wishy-washy. No need to be mean or unkind, but honor your truth. Stand by it. Know what it is, and state it clearly.

Someone I knew awhile back, a vegetarian, ate roast rabbit while a guest in someone’s home because she didn’t want to hurt their feelings. That might be fine for some and the right choice for her, but consider whether honoring your own truth is more important than silently honoring what you assume is someone else’s truth—and whether your host (or anyone) might be hurt because you didn’t think she would accommodate your needs.

Most of the time, people would rather you be you than someone you think they want you to be.

If someone wants you to be someone you aren’t, and you “be” whatever that is…what’s that about? Who are you? Stop being nice. Get real. lotus flower That’s just one of 50 sections in Find Your Missing Peace: A Practical Guide. It’s available right now in a variety of formats at a couple of online outlets (and more to come), and you can get it right here at Peaceful Planet (click here). From the introduction:

Our peace is always in us, but it’s shadowed and covered up by our learning, the beliefs and attitudes we develop, and our emotional reactions and states of mind. By the time we’re adults, our actions aren’t springing from things we’ve learned in peace so much as they’re based on what we’ve learned in pain or avoidance of pain.

Much of who we are, in fact, is often shaped by avoidance of punishment or pain—depending on our upbringing—rather than reward for a job well done. And we forget about our peace as we adapt. It’s gone missing.

Find Your Missing Peace is truly an inspired piece of writing. It came straight from my heart—from mine to yours—and it represents not only my knowledge or education or the research I do but also the lessons I’ve learned on a long, sometimes very rocky road.

And I want you to have those lessons. I’ve always known I’d be sharing them, but first I had to find my own missing peace.

You can read more here and find out how to grab a copy. I’m so thrilled to finally offer this book to you, and I have a feeling there’s going to be a Part Two coming up very soon. Even at 33,000+ words, eight chapters, and 50 sections, it’s barely scratching the surface.

And remember, Peaceful Isn’t Boring. Peace is about making choices—being able to make choices no matter what we’re feeling or what’s going on around us. It’s about choosing the best solution to the problem at hand rather than flying off with whatever emotional reaction pops up.

Peace is about being lover and loved, leader and follower, teacher and student, speaker and listener, parent and child, and so much more and—above all—being yourself in all your unique beauty and magnificence.

Hats off to finding your missing peace!

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{ 6 comments }

Rose Byrd

I appreciate so very much how you distinguished between just blabbing every thought in our heads all over the place( or saying unkind things in order to be “real” or being rude or failing to contain our thought we need to be listening!) and being true to ourselves and our own values when confronted with choices. There are calm, soft ways to say what we really need to say to be real in those decision-making circumstances. Thank you so much for this helpful essay on what true peace is all about, as well! You are unique and beautiful as you share with us here!
Rose Byrd´s last blog post ..“…….and you say there is lots more gold in that city we cannot see just yet?”

Leah McClellan

Hi Rose,

Thanks–I love the way you made the comparison between “saying unkind things to be real” vs. “being true to ourselves and our own values. ” That’s really what it’s all about.

It’s one thing to say “She’s such a jerk” and another to say “I feel violated, and I think I’ll stay away from her for awhile” or “I can’t believe these Neanderthals eat meat!” vs “It’s important to me to not eat meat.” And so on.

Nice to see you :)

Tanya

This piece is wonderful; thank you! So often little girls are taught to “be nice,” simply roll with the punches, and to hide their true feelings. Later in life, when the little girls become adult women, sometimes there is a inner struggle between “being nice,” and “keeping it real.” This essay also serves as a reminder to parents, at least for me, to teach my children how to articulate their feelings in a peaceful way.
Tanya´s last blog post ..Do not enter unless you are brown

Leah McClellan

Hi Tanya, Thanks!

I know what you mean. It’s so true about how girls are raised. While girls are often raised to be more passive than boys, it’s also true that boys are also taught to hide their feelings–possibly even more so than girls, or at least in different ways. It’s usually fine for girls to show feelings of grief and sadness, for example, expressed by crying–but not anger. Fine for boys to show anger expressed by words or violent acts, but it’s not usually OK for them to express grief and sadness (and so much more). But we all feel pretty much the same stuff!

Let’s all get real. Not that it’s easy, though. Lots of stuff to learn :)

Nice to see you,

Leah

Cathy | Treatment Talk

Hi Leah,

Love this excerpt from your amazing book! Being real allows our feelings to surface, rather than trying to constantly bury them which is unhealthy. Girls, I believe feel the pressure to conform to pressures from society and often make themselves into what others want them to be. Their pain comes out in unhealthy ways. Thanks for sharing this important chapter. It helps all of us. Take care.
Cathy | Treatment Talk´s last blog post ..Is Our Society Driving Women to Drug Abuse?

Leah McClellan

Thanks Cathy,

Definitely not a good idea to bury our feelings! And I agree how girls and women tend to hide feelings a lot, even from themselves, but they never go anywhere. They just come out indirectly and often with unexpected, not-so-good results.

Here, here for being real, and thanks for stopping by!

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