The Zen Master’s Unexpected Lesson: 10 Tips For Empathy

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Most people don’t know how to listen because the major part of their attention is taken up by thinking. Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

A few years ago, during a personal interview with a Zen master, I had an interesting experience.

Seated face to face on our mats, I told him my answer to the koan I’d been working on. He was satisfied with my response, but he wasn’t happy with the way I delivered it. After several demonstrations and explanations, he got frustrated and I got annoyed, though I didn’t show it. I didn’t understand what I was supposed to do, and I argued with him silently.

Sure, sure, I get it. But if I had the answer right, why does it matter how I tell it? It’s a dumb koan anyway. It’s a no-brainer. And what the hell is your problem?

As the man in front of me continued to talk, my internal dialogue suddenly shut off.

The complete mental silence that I sometimes experience during meditation and often just before sleep was upon me. I no longer felt like the teacher was scolding me or finding fault with me, nor was I bothered by his unexpected behavior or insistence upon something that seemed irrelevant to me. I was no longer the observed. I became the observer.

I suddenly realized that, though I didn’t understand him, he surely had a reason for explaining things as he did. And no matter what I did—or didn’t do—his frustration was his, and his alone. I learned something, though it had nothing to do with the koan.

To practice empathy, we need to stop listening to ourselves.

Even if we aren’t able to shut off our mental chatter or control our inner emotional reactions, we can ignore them as we listen, observe, and imagine what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.

Here are 10 tips that can help you practice empathy in your own daily life.

1. Practice empathy with yourself.

If you want to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes, make sure you know what your own shoes look like. Be alert to your internal dialogue and emotional reactions. Meditation and quiet, reflective time help to develop this skill.

2. If a friend is upset with you, look at it from her perspective.

Consider her personality, her experiences, her needs, and what she believes she knows about you. Maybe she’s willing to talk about it and, if you listen closely, the two of you can come to a better understanding.

3. If you’re upset with your friend, ask yourself why.

Ask yourself what you need from this friend and whether it’s reasonable to expect it. It could be a good time for a talk and, while you probably want your friend to listen to you, make a point to listen carefully to him as well and remember that he has his own reasons for his behavior.

4. If a colleague is difficult, there’s a reason that has nothing to do with you.

Her ways have worked for her in the past and that’s what she knows. Maybe she’s under a lot of pressure in ways you can’t see. Make sure your behavior is kind, courteous, and professional even if you have to keep your opinion wrapped up tight and your lips sealed. At the very least, you’ll save yourself some stress.

5. If a cashier or clerk is difficult, there’s a story behind it.

Maybe he hasn’t had proper training, or his manager gave him a hard time just before you arrived. If he’s rude (and you’ve been polite), give something instead of expecting to receive. Offer a kind smile and wish him a good day or a good evening. You might not get any thanks (and you might have to take your business elsewhere), but chances are good you’ll make a difference in his life and you’ll feel better, besides.

6. Noisy neighbors have their stories, too.

If your neighbor is blasting his music (again), it can be hard to see things from his point of view, especially if you’re trying to get some work done in your home office. He might be trying to shake himself out of a blue mood or maybe he doesn’t understand how it bothers you. No matter the reasons, knowing that he has them—and that they have nothing to do with you—can help you stay calm as you try to tune it out or stay friendly if you ask him to lower the volume.

7. If your wife is doing something that upsets you, remember that she’s a unique individual who acts from her own set of beliefs, needs, fears, and desires.

Understand that the world looks a certain way to her, and her life history and learning is completely different from yours. A heart-to-heart talk might be just the thing—but make sure you listen without judgment or argument. Ask gentle questions, listen, and learn.

8. If your husband is doing something that gets on your nerves, see tip #7.

Men and women are no different when it comes to the reasons why we do what we do. We all have unique personal histories, realities, and life situations, even when we’ve lived under the same roof for 20 or 30 years.

9. When a young child asks “why?” for the 100th time and you’re ready to scream, look at it from his perspective.

He’s a kid exploring a fascinating world. He’s got a lot of energy, and he wants to learn. Consider setting up rules (and enforcing them) for quiet time and situations when questions are welcome (or not) so your needs and his are met.

10. If a manager, leader, speaker, professor, parent, grandparent, or even Zen master tries to teach you something that doesn’t seem relevant to you, don’t worry about it.

Just listen. Take what works, and let go of what doesn’t. If there might be an action item for the future, ask what it is. If there isn’t one, don’t worry about it. Maybe this person isn’t quite sure of what he’s trying to say anyway, and that’s OK.

Any of these tips can be tailored to different situations, but the main thing you need to know about empathy is this:

You can’t practice empathy if you’re busy listening to yourself and reacting to your own thoughts and emotions. To practice empathy, you have to listen and look carefully, without judgment. Set aside your quick interpretations and knee-jerk judgments—and just listen. Just watch. Just focus on the other person instead of yourself, just for that moment or that very short period of time that you’re together.

We live with ourselves 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Why not step outside of our own worlds once in awhile to see and understand what’s going on with other people?

I might not ever understand what the Zen master was trying to explain to me. If it’s something I need to learn, I know I’ll learn it eventually. But the lesson I needed at that particular moment was right in front of me, right at that moment. I needed to learn how to listen, how to watch, how to observe instead of listening to myself and my arguments, my defenses, my reactions and assuming the other person’s reactions are about me. I needed to see things from someone else’s point of view, to practice empathy.

For additional reading: Empathy: The Misunderstood E-Word

What are your tips for practicing empathy or good listening? Do you wish people in your life would listen to you more or better? Comments are always welcome.