When former First Lady Nancy Reagan’s anti-drug campaign “Just Say No” was in full swing back in the 80s, I’d often roll my eyes and think it’s not that easy. There are so many different kinds of pressure and so many reasons people can’t or don’t want to say no. How can “Just Say No” solve such a big problem as recreational drug use and drug addiction?
But Just Say No is really what it all comes down to, in the end. It’s like the Nike advertising slogan: Just Do It.
- Your goal is valid, honorable, healthy, and worthwhile. Just Do It.
- There may be challenges or setbacks, but that’s good, because that’s how we learn. Just Do It.
- Make a plan if you don’t know how to begin. Just Do It.
- Stop making excuses. Stop thinking about it. Don’t worry if you make mistakes along the way, and don’t worry what people will think. It’s all about practice. Just Do It.
Just Say No follows a similar kind of pattern.
Here are seven tips that will help you move from an unwilling yes that you regret to a firm and confident NO.
1. Know your Just Do It before saying no
Maybe it’s your jam-packed schedule, even if time-slots say yoga class or spend time with family. Maybe it’s lifestyle choices: if you’re an early-to-bed and early-to-rise kind of a person, a midnight movie might not be right for you. Maybe it’s about values you want to honor: the request might involve health or safety risks or behavior that’s morally wrong for you. Maybe it conflicts with your healthy lifestyle choices. If you need to live a certain way, just do it and just say no to things that don’t fit with your plan.
2. Just stick with it
Remember that saying no is about respecting yourself–it’s not about rejecting the other person. Offer a simple explanation. If the person doesn’t appear to understand, don’t complicate things by elaborating. While it’s nice to have understanding and validation, there’s no guarantee you’ll get it. That doesn’t mean you have to say yes.
3. Just be happy
If you can’t carry out the request cheerfully and willingly, there’s no point in saying yes. If you can’t do a good job, enjoy the outing, or have fun with the person you agreed to spend time with, then you’re better off saying no in the first place. Don’t quit midway or be miserable or upset. Keep in mind that a half-hearted effort will almost always be noticed, and maybe the person will wish you had said no in the first place.
4. Just accept the challenge
Learning a new skill isn’t easy. If saying no is new for you, there will be challenges and you might make some mistakes, but that’s OK. If you’re learning to play a musical instrument, you’re bound to hit a few strings or keys wrong or awkwardly at first. Slips and errors are expected when learning any new behavior.
5. Just make a plan
Sometimes the response to a no can be less-than-agreeable or even angry, no matter how nicely you’ve said it. Listen respectfully to the person’s objections but stay calm, stick with your story, don’t elaborate, and don’t back down. When your coworker asks you to stay late to help her (again), just say no. You have plans, you can’t break them, and that’s all she needs to know, even if your plan is to take a nap when you get home. Smile, square your shoulders, and say good-night.
6. Just give yourself time
Many requests have both benefits and drawbacks. If you’re not sure you want to say yes or no, tell the person to ask you again tomorrow or in a few days so you have some time to think. You can then make a list of pros and cons to weigh things out as well as a plan for how you’ll deliver the message if it’s a no.
7. Just say no to stress and conflict
If conflict, stress, or even anger is what you’ll feel if you say yes, then it’s just not worth it, for anyone involved. Sometimes, though, stress is almost inevitable. Life throws unexpected curves at us, and we have to do what we have to do. Taking care of an elderly parent or other family member or picking up the slack at work when half the office is out with the flu are just obligations we need to say yes to sometimes. Taking care of your stress response is the priority in those situations, not saying no (though perhaps certain limits are appropriate or you might need to cut back elsewhere).
It’s easier to say no when you know why you’re saying no.
If you wanted to Just Say No to drugs, what would your Just Do It be? Mine would be I enjoy my reality as it is, I don’t take any unnecessary drugs (legal or illegal), and recreational drugs don’t fit in with my lifestyle preferences. So if someone were smoking pot at a party, say, and it was offered to me, it’s a no-brainer for me to say, “Thanks, but no thanks” with a smile.
If you have some slips and a few barriers to overcome while you learn to Just Say No, that’s OK. Just practice until you get it right. And keep in mind that your motives are probably good ones: you care about people and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But maybe, just maybe, it’s time to care about yourself as much as you care about other people. So Just Do It and Just. Say. No.
Ever have trouble saying no? Know someone who does? Comments are always welcome.
{ 14 comments }
I used to hate saying no and that feeling of letting others down. It’s funny how I had no trouble saying ‘no’ to things that were really important to me or good for me though.
What changed? I got older! There’s a confidence and a ‘take me as I am’ that seems to come to many women as we get older. For me, that translated into saying ‘no’ to a zillion things so I could say ‘yes’ to living my own life.
Jean Sarauer´s last [type] ..Newbie Interview Tips From My Virgin Interview
I used to have some trouble with this as well. And it’s only in the last few years that I’ve been following the “take some time” approach. Sometimes things are tempting because they promise some wonderful reward or it’s beneficial to your career or something like that, but if it requires driving 100 miles every day or whatever, the cost might outweigh the benefit. But I can’t always think of everything right on the spot! And if the person needs something that bad, they’ll wait. If not, oh well, find someone else.
Tip #8 could be “Just get older!” LOL
Yes, Leah! Yes! I love saying NO! But you are right, a friendly, for the right reasons NO is worth it’s weight in gold. I do have friends who can’t say NO and yet don’t connect the chaos of their lives and the time-sucking activities they engage in with their inability to say NO. It’s tough to recognize if you’re a people pleaser. They are very compassionate people who really need to get in touch with their inner bitch once in a while. Just kidding. But, there’s nothing wrong with living life your way. I think you get back a lot of control with that one simple word.
Katie´s last [type] ..Soul Searching- Week 6 of the 7-Week Life Cleanse
I know a couple people like that too, Katie. And I’ve also been on the receiving end of someone who says “yes” to a request, but I can see the unhappiness or resentment, the sighs, the scowls….when asked, “Are you sure you want to do this?” the reply is “Yes, of course, sure” but the tone of voice and body language is saying “hell no” loud and clear.
Saying “yes” to something when you really don’t want to do it is pretty much dishonesty and lying. At least, that’s what I realized for myself. The trouble comes when I’m not sure if I want to or not lol
Leah: I thought this was a great post. I know that I have definitely found myself in that place where I agreed to do something, and was not feeling good about doing it and so was not able to give it my all. I think what you suggested about just being happy is so important. You have to be able to find a way to enjoy what you are doing, and if you know that is not going to be the case, you probably should politely pass. Thanks for the great suggestions.
Thanks Sibyl!
I think we’ve all been there–I sure have been. I can remember secretly being upset at the person who asked me to do something when really, it was me I was angry with for saying yes in the first place. Somewhere along the line, I just got tired of all that and started figuring it out.
Glad you like the suggestions, and nice to see you!
Great Post!!
I have gotten a billion times better with “no” it can still be a challenge sometimes. I agree with you about knowing ‘why’ we are saying no, that helps. Becoming comfortable with learning the new skill/accepting the challenge helps and ‘just stick with it’ helps tremendously too. #6 is one of the most helpful things I’ve done to get out of the ‘yes habit’ – that extra bit of time to get grounded and make a firm decision is very helpful.
Great, great, great post!
Aileen´s last [type] ..Simple Stress Release- Breathe
Thanks Aileen! Isn’t it interesting how many of us have had trouble with saying no? I wonder why that is…hmmm.
I’m so glad you find the tips helpful. Have to agree that sticking with it and also taking some time are the most helpful ones for me, too, in certain situations (like with extremely persuasive people lol It was only about 2 years ago that someone talked me into doing something and I really kicked my butt–big time lol)
Hi Leah,
I like your idea here. I used to have so much trouble saying ‘no’ to people, but it does get easier after a while. The worst thing you can do is say ‘no’ then relent after a while. Then people know you are a push over. Of course, I do have a soft spot for my family, but at work I say ‘no’ to pretty much everyone when I need to.
I have to agree with you. This is a skill that can help to reduce stress from life. Highly recommended. Great ideas!
mark´s last [type] ..The Latest Thing To Solve All of Your Problems
Hi Mark! You’re so right–it gets easier after awhile. Definitely not good to relent after saying no….hmmm seems to me I’ve done that with my dogs a few times, here and there lol It’s really basic–if you relent, what you’re doing is training people (or dogs) to whine, bark, persuade, cajole…until they get a yes out of you. And the more you do it, the louder they’ll whine and bark….or plead and whatever….and there’s no respect involved when people–or dogs–just want what they want. And when everyone is whining at you–ack! Hair-pulling. Applies to kids, for sure, but just about anyone.
Hope you follow my analogy–thanks for helping me think of it! And glad you stopped by
Work “no” is easy for me: I like work, and am aware of my limits and abilities. Also, employers generally tend to respect “no” much better than friends and family (in my experience).
Outside of work… ARGH!!!!
Waiters in restaurants will bring me the wrong meal and insist that I will like this one better. Hairdressers ignore my instructions because they’re sure they know better than I do what I like. Clerks in stores pay no attention when I tell them what I am looking for; they direct me to something else because they are sure they know better than me.
My family and friends are among the worst. When I say “no thanks, I’m allergic to strawberries” they will slip a little strawberry juice into my drink because they KNOW I will like it better that way. When I go into anaphalactic shock, they are surprised — every time — and I have to get myself to the hospital for help (which is why I no longer accept dinner invitations).
Saying No to a social event? It’s taken 60 YEARS to get anyone to accept that I don’t want to go and I will fight furiously if someone tries to force me to go. They can’t seem to get it through their heads that I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions. More than once, as an adult, I have been literally carried out of my home and taken along to some event because everyone knows I really want to go and I’m just being a drama queen when I say I want to stay home. I will call the police and lay charges if this ever happens again — maybe the police will believe me???
People who mean well and are sure they are right are the very worst at accepting “NO” for an answer. They are also the hardest to fight off, because they seem to be acting in my best interests and no matter what I do, I am the “bad guy” for being such a horrible person as to say No.
Then there is the flip side: I invite someone to join me for, say, dinner theatre. They don’t like dinner theatre (something I didn’t know or I would have invited someone else) so they sit there moaning and complaining and wrecking the event for me.
I am not heartbroken when someone says “no thanks” to my invitations. I just assume that they don’t want to go, and that’s fine with me. I’d rather go alone than with someone who isn’t interested. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, it just means that we don’t share every interest.
Maybe consider changing your social circle. Intentionally causing allergic reactions and physically carrying you out the door sounds abusive, if you ask me. So maybe, for you, “Just Say No” has to do with the toxic people you hang out with. Unfortunately that can include family sometimes.
So maybe the issue here has more to do with the kinds of people you associate with and wanting people to accept your no more than your ability to say it. Say no, mean it, and let it go.
Restaurants, hair salons–if the customer service is poor then consider not going there.
The best way to remove stress is to..
1. Meditate in time of duress
and
2. Remove all bad press from your memory cap.
Great points, Jonathan! Seems like a lot of people don’t do the meditating during the times that we need it most, and we need that reminder. Thanks
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